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Your Host: L. Event organizer. Angie P. Janet P. Jay I. Skip to content. Hosted by L. Public group? Attendees A couple people put down age ranges that they themselves were not included in. One woman was only looking for women and men at least three years older.

Another woman was only looking for folks of any gender younger than herself. Most people had really wide age ranges, but others had ranges that were as small as eight years.

I think there was a general tendency to treat the speed dating registration much as one would the registration for a personals website. Personals websites have membership numbers in the thousands to millions, so restrictive searches still net some people.

We have less than a hundred people at speed dating, which makes matching much harder. Remember, couples or groups could sign up and go on dates as a single unit. We ended up mostly matching groups with each other for the first speed dating night. We had one queer triad at the first event.

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Attendees often forgot who they had met and whether they liked them. This would help with a further problem we had, where we did not have enough time to enter all the data from the dates before the end of the event. We want to give people their matches on the way out the door, but it just takes too long to input into a computer. We have ended up sending out match emails later that night instead. Getting people to mostly enter their own matches via phone or possibly afterwards on a computer would solve this problem. We also discovered that many people simply cannot judge whether they like someone after talking to them for five minutes.

This points to a need for a variety of poly dating events, since some people are not served by speed dating. However, most of the attendees seemed to be fine with the fast dates, and some explicitly stated that they liked the format because they felt they could judge chemistry quickly.

I think that people who pick up chemistry slowly tend to characterize speed dating as shallow, focusing only on physical attributes. Certainly there have been criticisms along those lines on various poly lists in the area, with people stating that speed dating would never work for them because they value personality. However, most attendees seemed to be judging personality-based chemistry as much or more than looks, from their comments.

I think it is actually possible for some people to gauge personality compatibility relatively quickly, and those folks do well at speed dating. There were some complaints from BDSM aficionados that they were having trouble finding other kinksters. If a person is only attracted to kinky people, ending up on a number of dates with non-kinky folks can be a bummer. We have some concern that attendance may shrink at future events.

That tends to be a problem with events in our area: they make a splash in the pan, and then disappear. Also, we may be victims of our own success in certain ways. This can happen if they actually start dating due to the speed dating event, since they then have less need for a dating event. Also, I think people were in some cases overwhelmed by the abundance of possibilities afterwards, and this may lead them to avoid dating events for a while.

We had few repeat customers at the second event, which means that people may not be up for returning much. This may lead to a less frequent speed dating schedule — the first two events were about three months apart.

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Ironically, most of the organizers are too busy in our own lives to date new people, through a combination of prior relationships, work, and family. Though apparently we are not too busy to organize dating events. At the first speed dating night, there was not only a lot of interest during the dates, but people seemed pretty flirty during the open social time as well. We hold lots of poly discussion or support groups, and we hold plenty of social events.

But at the social events, we tend to discourage come-ons. This is reasonable, because if the event starts to take on a meat-market atmosphere, people particularly, but not exclusively, women start getting uncomfortable, and the poly social event dies. So, we generally encourage light flirting but steer people away from heavy flirting or come-ons. This works well to create a good social atmosphere, but it means that poly social events do not really double as opportunities for meeting people to date.

It can be done of course, but typically one has to attend a poly social gathering repeatedly and really get to know the regulars before dates start happening. This is a decent-sized time investment. A speed dating event, on the other hand, is much more focused. You talk with a number of people, meeting them with the explicit goal of finding people to date. The time investment is relatively short compared to the work of digging into a new social scene. And this is San Francisco, so people are busy. People tended to avoid clumsy come-ons or come-ons of any sort, really during the social time, which is understandable given that they had their hands full with between six and fourteen dates during the dating rounds.

And even if you got paired with a person who was aggressive or creepy and indeed there were a couple of these who attended , they would be gone in five minutes. In any case, we have identified a need for poly dating events, at least in the SF bay area. Formalizing the event in some way might do this.

Also, I think that having an activity of some sort tends to make the event feel comfortable. In speed dating, the activity is the dating rounds. In other events, it could be social games charades, etc or other things that get people talking. The largely new crowd at the event brought me to a further conclusion: there are a lot of poly people out there who are not being served by poly events.

Again, this may be specific to the San Francisco area. I would estimate that the number of poly-identified people in the area is measured in thousands. If we include people in any sort of nonmonogamous arrangement, it moves into the tens of thousands. However, I would estimate that the number who attend poly events in any year is in the hundreds, and the number of regular attendees is around two hundred, tops.

Being the rabid community organizer that I am, this inevitably leads me to the question of why: why are these folks not coming to poly events? Polyamory events tend to be useful for support, advice, camraderie, and to find dating partners. But perhaps they are not useful enough?

After all, people are busy with work, friends, and all kinds of social stuff. At least among my poly friends, most people have figured out their jealousy issues and rarely get into big poly drama.

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They know a lot of poly people, just through their friend network and dating network. They date folks in these networks. In many cases, they are polyamorous second and something else first: Burning Man aficionado, gamer, pagan, new age, goth, etc. In other words, it takes a lot to get these people to a poly event. They usually need some other draw as well. Perhaps the event intersects with one of their other interests. Perhaps it is a focused one-time thing that quickly fills a poly need without a lot of lead-up time.

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Perhaps it draws a large number of people. Perhaps it is really entertaining in some way. Support and discussion groups are great if you need support or like to discuss polyamory. Conferences tend to be aimed at people new to polyamory, and are a big time investment. In other words, the trifecta works for some people, especially people new to polyamory.

My poly friends came to poly speed dating, most of them. This is a first: I have been bedeviled by absence of my own social cohort at the poly events I organize. In some ways, this is turning into a new event success litmus test for me: are my friends going? The unexpected success of poly speed dating has inspired me to reconsider how we hold poly events. We tend towards the sexual minority organizing model pioneered by LBGT folks, oriented towards community and support. This is great, and provides community and support, something that many of us need. But, I feel like we should branch out, and borrow organizing models from other communities, or at least creatively break out of the usual patterns.

I want to put out a call to poly organizers: try something vaguely ridiculous, or at least very different, while still maintaining your usual poly events. Poly speed dating was a half-joke from the beginning. Somewhere along the line, it morphed into something that actually works and is pretty cool at the same time. What weird poly event could you put on?